“I can’t stand it, I know you planned it
I’m a’ set straight, this Watergate
I can’t stand rocking when I’m in here
’cause your crystal ball ain’t so crystal clear
So while you sit back and wonder why
I got this fuckin’ thorn in my side
Oh my god, it’s a mirage
I’m tellin’ y’all it’s sabotage” Sabotage by Beastie Boys
Hello Beautiful Beings,
Yes, I’m starting today off with the Beastie Boys. Much respect to Adam “MCA” Yauch.
So, last night I decided to go into my records and see what the issue du jour, that’s been beating at my door in need of some attention. I was hoping for something like, show more affection to your kids or eat healthier something simple you know. No, I get you must deal with your fear of yourself! Well, hot damn! Talk about your all- inclusive issues…. This is some BS! I don’t want to look at this atm (yes, I’m a master at procrastinating). So, after a mini freakout I asked my Masters, Teachers, and Loved ones for some clarity on this issue. It turns out I’ve been self sabotaging! Shocking at first who in their right mind self sabotages.(I’m lying to myself this problem has been evident for a while.) I mean if I was late to a Dr’s appointment or a job interview it was not my fault. My favorite excuse, the morning rush hour traffic is always the worst! Why would any one expect you to be on time for a nine o’clock appointment? I am late for everything! (even for my own wedding…). This, my friends, is just the tip of the iceberg. Unsurprisingly, with enough looking within, I found I have a vast array of self sabotage/ self punishment issues in my background. Just to list a few, high school dropout, potential contestant for the Biggest Loser, and walked in the shoes of an active Alcoholic. Oh, and my latest act of chopping off my mid back length of hair in the name of going “Natural”. As freeing as it is to be “Natural” I sent myself into a year long depression and gained 40 pounds. (Thats enough with the examples, I’m sure you get the point.) This insanity must stop!
So, my first step of working through this issue I seem to have with myself is to write it down. Hence this post…
Knowledge is Power, the more you look into yourself the more familiar you become with the signs and symptoms of the acts that are detrimental to your well being. The more you examine yourself the easier it is to recognize the toxic patterns. Eventually, you are able to identify the thought before the act.
Second, I choose to accept that I tend to self sabotage/punish. What am I going to do punish myself more because I’m too hard on myself. No, that would be just silly. I will pray on it and then give it up. Don’t dwell or it becomes counterproductive.
Lastly, I am going to give myself a pat on the back for even facing such a terrifying thing as setting myself up for failure because I fear the success I’m capable of achieving.
Have faith that your soul knows from right and wrong. Get rid of what does not serve the higher good.